The big "V" word....

Big Fat SIGH! The following article was on MSNBC today. Read up, I'll post my response at the end. (the link is: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/28777666/ )

25-year-old virgin: Not meant for love?
Dr. Gail Saltz advises a woman who is self-conscious about her single status


By Dr. Gail Saltz
TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 4:57 p.m. ET, Wed., Jan. 21, 2009


Q. Are some people just not meant to be in relationships? At 25, I am still a virgin, with little experience dating men. It has gotten to the point where I’m self-conscious about my status. Sometimes I worry that men won’t want to date me because I don’t have a lengthy history.
I had one relationship that lasted about three months, and have been on several first dates. In college I joined a dating Web site out of desperation. It has provided me with the opportunity to talk to different guys, but it hasn’t led anywhere. At times I feel there must be something wrong with me and that I’m incapable of carrying on a relationship. I do have a good group of friends. I’m a little shy and reserved at first, but I then open up to people, and am basically confused as to why I haven’t had the opportunities most have already had at this point in their lives.

A. Nobody is “not” meant to be in relationships, but there are people who have extreme difficulty having relationships. These people usually have a developmental disorder like autism or Asperger's, or even a psychiatric issue related to ability to relate to others, like schizoid personality disorder. There is an organic reason they have trouble relating to others.
You don’t sound like that, because you have a good group of friends, so you are obviously capable of relating to others. The issue probably has something to do with anxiety or inhibition around men.
You mention you are shy. Some people with social phobia become extra-shy around members of the opposite sex. In addition, when you are shy and reserved, you often come off as cold and standoffish, sending the message that you are not interested. Some people have especially negative or difficult personalities that drive others away.
Put this all together and the result is that you behave in certain ways that make it unlikely you will reach out to people or that you will feel comfortable enough to converse and engage with those you do meet.
You make a point of saying you are a virgin, so there might be some anxiety around that. Or perhaps you had a negative childhood experience with some kind of sexual trauma, so you are inadvertently pushing men away in order not to get sexually involved.
Your turn!
Is there still a stigma attached to virginity?
It is not terrible to be a virgin at 25, but if you want to be in a relationship and are having trouble finding one, you should work on this now, and not wait years, when certain life options and opportunities will have passed.
If shyness is the issue, it can be very helpful to practice a script of talking to men. Come up with several topics you feel well versed in and a couple of lines you would like to share to keep a conversation going. Make an effort to meet men in scenarios where you are likely to have something in common like a class, an exhibit of interest, a religion-based gathering or a community service activity. Spend some time in front of a mirror looking at facial expressions that appear warm and inviting versus cool and reserved.
If you still find yourself struggling, it’s a good idea to see a therapist and determine whether you have a problem with social anxiety or anxiety about intimacy. Both respond to therapy alone or therapy plus medication, which can make a huge difference.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: People who have few relationships might be acting in ways that drive people away, but this behavior can be changed

My Response:

I relate to this writer. I am 25 and still a virgin, but by choice. I am involved in a relationship with a man I respect and really like. He is not a virgin, however he's been celibate for over 2 years and his respect for me is what makes me like him even more because I feel that he's not into me just for sex (although I know that he thinks about it...often). We have also been friends for over two years and even though he knows my decision, he still pursued a relationship with me, and I love that.
I also love that I have NEVER worried about STD's or if my bf compares to the last guy(s) I was with, thats a really messed up way to live. I really hate that we put such a focus on sex in the relationship and not more on the relationship itself. We feel like because everyone else SEEMS to be having such a great time having sex and not waiting for more that you, or others like us, feel like there is something wrong. There's not, really, there's not. I am currently in the Psychology field and I can't tell you how many clients I have each month who wish that they had at least waited for someone special, if not for marriage itself. If I were you I would change my surroundings and who/what I'm listening to or watching. Please, don't let anyone, including yourself, make you feel like you have a problem or are some oddity. You're not, luv. Promise.

This Just Seems Appropriate Somehow

The Negro National Anthem

"Lift Every Voice and Sing"
by James Weldon Johnson

Originally written by Johnson for a presentation in celebration of the birthday of Abraham Lincoln. This was originally performed in Jacksonville, Florida, by children. The popular title for this work is:


'THE NEGRO NATIONAL ANTHEM'

Lift every voice and sing
Till earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us,
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us,
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun
Let us march on till victory is won.

Stony the road we trod,
Bitter the chastening rod,
Felt in the days when hope unborn had died;

Yet with a steady beat,
Have not our weary feet
Come to the place for which our fathers sighed?
We have come over a way that with tears have been watered,
We have come, treading our path through the blood of the slaughtered,
Out from the gloomy past,
Till now we stand at last
Where the white gleam of our bright star is cast.

God of our weary years,
God of our silent tears,
Thou who has brought us thus far on the way;
Thou who has by Thy might
Led us into the light,
Keep us forever in the path, we pray.
Lest our feet stray from the places, Our God, where we met Thee;
Lest, our hearts drunk with the wine of the world, we forget Thee;
Shadowed beneath Thy hand,
May we forever stand.
True to our GOD,
True to our native land James Weldon Johnson June 17, 1871 - June 26, 1938



May God bless you and your family, President Obama (man that makes me feel great). I pray strength and favor over you and yours. That you may do what is right, at all times, and act in integrity. I pray that the words of your mouth and the meditations of your heart are found pleasing in God's sight and that God place a hedge of protection around you and your family at all times. Grace and Mercy to you. Do well. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Hair Ad

Niveles de Relaciones

Hmmmm...

I saw this on a dating blog and I just wanted to re-post it here b/c i think that it rings true. The only thing that I would do differently is switch numbers 2 and 3. Enjoy.

"Comment by blubronxtail on 18 January 2009:

I just love these articles. I’m always interested in the latest news on the sexes. Now I agree with the levels above. However most men usually only have 5 different levels. :

Level 1. The female friend. They are not attracted to you that much but if they are they don’t want you to really know that. They may want you to become the Level 3 woman but that’s about it. They will talk about other woman to you and ask advice, may even talk about how great they are sexually.Usually they may not even really tell you the full on truth about who they are. They are not reliable or dependable. They talk when there is nothing better to do. They may cancel hangouts with you and come up with bogus reasons. You don’t get mad because this is your platonic friend and you really want to chew their ear off about dates with men, but say ok we’ll reschedule. When your birthday comes around they may or may not remember.
Level 2. The (real)female friend that they respect. They want you to become Level 3 woman but they don’t have the guts to tell you how they really feel. This person idolizes you and if they had the chance would run off and marry you if you gave them the thought that it was an option. They also talk about how great they are in bed and also try to show you how similar your interests are. They may even give you gifts that seem a bit over the top for a platonic friend.
The booty call/friends with benefits: The Level 3 woman is a woman who they can sleep with at random. Doesn’t matter the time or place. They aren’t required to spend a dime. They will also give you the “friends with benefits” conversation as if they are really providing you with real benefits. This person is usually horrible in bed but what better way to practice than with a woman who they don’t really respect or care about. The very act of her sleeping with him further confirms his views and he test how far she will go to further break herself down. He is embarrassed to be seen with this woman, either based on her physical appearance ,racial, economic standings or known promiscuous behavior. If this man does let anyone know of his involvement with this woman, it’s to further his “yeah I hit that” status.
GIRLFIEND/WIFE Level 4 woman is the wife material. The one that a man knows is and will always be the one. The one he can’t live without. The one that he respects for reasons of either education, moral,religious,physical attractiveness etc. or all of the above.

MOTHER/SISTER/TEACHER etc. Level 5 the woman that shape his views on how to treat other woman. Hopefully what he sees helps him establish good relations with other women but ultimately a man will make his own choice regardless. Usually he never discusses sex with any of these woman either due to their age or his actual relation to the individual. Now I do know alot of men have those fantasies about the teacher and pet scenario but If she’s a woman in her 70’s with salt and pepper hair, she’s usually not the sex symbol to come to mind for most men.

Well there it is my view on the subject:)

~Much Blue Love!!!"

Please feel free to comment.-Paz

Gravity

John Mayer may officially have a piece of my heart, because everytime I hear his music I feel like my heart is singing his lyrics, in particular the song Gravity.

I'm not certain as to what his lyrics meant to him, but for me "Gravity" can be anything that pulls me down and prevents you from having the best thing possible for your life. I suppose that it can be a man/woman (in the plural, too), family, food, substances,you....but really anything that prevents a person from reaching her/his full purpose in life. I personally am a big believer in purpose.

I often meet people who ask me how they are supposed to know what their purpose is. The answer is the same for everyone. Whatever that thing is that is pulling at your heartstrings or nagging at your soul, whatever you have a passion for, or whatever you love doing and would do for free and still love doing it, that is more than likely your purpose. Particularly if what you love doing will benefit others just as much as, if not more than, yourself. After all, "no man is an island unto himself," and our lives are not our own (and all of that other good stuff).

One of the best things to do, especially at the beginning of each year, is to write down and (re)establish your goals, passions, and desires. Just as we change each year so do our goals and desires; so, what you wrote 5 years ago may be vastly or moderately different from what you want now.

Writing your vision down for your life helps to get it out of your head and it goes from just being an idea to being an actual possibility, its like writing a business plan and it helps you to work out all the kinks once you start writing out how you wish to go about establishing each goal.

I say all of this just because I find that when it comes to my "Gravity," that/those thing(s) that pull(s) me down, I am able to better recognize it and get rid of it when it doesn't line up with my goals and my vision for my life. If I may go Johnny Cochran for a moment, "If it doesn't fit, its gotta quit."

Its not always easy to cut those things out of my life that are not helping me to succeed and grow, but (eventually) I do cut them out and then, well, then I'm able to soar to new heights without all of that "Gravity" holding me down and its easier to breathe.

Plus, when I stay where the light is, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually (this means I monitor my thoughts and try not to be negative, I watch the company I keep, my feelings, and my relationship with God (renewing my mind constantly), I finally reach my goals. And thats a great feeling.

Paz

The Lyrics Are:

Gravity
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know
What makes this man
With all the love
That his heart can stand
Dream of ways
To throw it all away

Oh Gravity
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much
Ain’t twice as good
And can't sustain
Like one half could
It's wanting more
gonna send me to my knees

instrumental

Oh twice as much
Ain’t twice as good
And can't sustain
Like one half could
It's wanting more
gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity
Stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity
Has taken better men than me
Now how can that be?

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where keep me where the light is

Ah...friendship, ain't it grand.

Okay...

Pop Quiz Time!
Subject: friends and friendship.
1. If you've been "friends" for at least 5 years (or more) and you have an issue with a "friend", should you
A.-"Ignore" the issue while slowly letting it bubble up inside of you, only to later explode?
B.-Talk to other people and tell them what a bad person your "Friend" is?
C. -Seperate yourself until you leave the country, don't tell your former '"friends" until after you're gone or the day you're leaving and then make new associates but never allow anyone else to get close so close again...?
or
D.-Calm down, figure out whats bothering you and why and then talk to your "friend" in a calm and mature manner.

Yep, I'm leaning towards "C" myself...

I'm very different. Anyone who knows me would certainly agree. I am NOT your typical black girl (but thats probably bc I'm not black...I'm brown).

With all of my friendships there are only four that have caused me significant pain and heartache, and they were all from one particular culture or ethnic group. Yeah, I have had others that have made me sad and/or hurt me in some way (usually relating to my degree of blackness or my "religiousness") but not like these. In Christianity it sometimes seems like its wrong for us to say when something is done that pierces our souls to the point that it makes us want to scream out in agony.

Truthfully, I feel so dumb for being angry or hurt. I've always been taught to just get over it and let it go or to go to that person and let them know and if they don't change then to just forgive them. In all honesty, its a crackpot excuse for how to deal with something that you don't otherwise know how to handle.

I am not perfect, by no means do I even act to assume that I have been the perfect "friend" who has never said or done something she wished she hadn't; but I have ALWAYS been the friend to bite my tongue when I didn't have to, swallow my pride and offer my help even after being talked about, and get up at 2 or 3 in the morning just to help a friend who was sick or needed someone to talk to when they're world was going to hell.

I hate that I have given up so much of my time, my money, and mostly myself to people who don't seem to care too much about how I feel. We have a lot of history and I don't just want to end the relationships. I'm trying to look on the bright side of the situations, however, I'm just not seeing it yet.

If you have any advice, by all means, let me know.

The Journey

There is a song "If I Could Change the World" by Eric Clapton that I think sums up my idea of relationships in general, not just romantic relationships. I am currently in a "friendlationship" (if you will) that has taken me by surprise.
The young man and I started out as friends and, in short, there is a mutual "liking" of one another. The only issue...I plan to leave soon to embark on the journey of a lifetime.
Its so funny, I am a romantic by nature and growing up I would read stories of strong-willed heroins who had love staring them in the face and the opportunity to settle down and have a family and be with the loves of their lives (images of Jane Austin novels, Little Women, and Como Agua para Chocolate come to mind) and I would be all but screaming at her to settle down and marry! Now, I silently urge them to run away and enjoy themselves .
How ironic life is, I have become just like my least favorite heroins who were so strong minded and eager for adventure that they would pass up what could quite possible be the love of their life. Now, however, I realize something that I wish I had seen from the beginning. Life, this insane and erratic journey, is by far the most incredible thing that could happen to us as humans. I am in love with my journey, now. As strange, and complicated, as it may sound, life is meant to be lived, truly lived, shared with multitudes and learned from. There is not much that we can take with us to the other side once our lives are over, but our legacy is the one thing that goes with us and at the same time stays to live on without us...(deep stuff, i know).

I guess that now I pity those who never got...no...never took the chance to live life to the fullest and are now so set in their ways that they see no other way to live. I thank God daily for my struggles, as hurtful and painful and all-together disintegrating as they may be, because I have learned and grown so much. I see what older people mean when they say that the bitter moments in life make the good times all the more sweeter.
There is a medicine called Buckley's that tastes like ammonia mixed with hell, but when the taste finally leaves your mouth and the urge to regurgitate goes away and you realize that you're no longer congested the feeling is greatly liberating, because you can breathe again. Thats how I feel about life and struggles and hope that I continue to feel.
The current facts about my life and struggles are: Yes, I have cried 2 times this week alone, and its not even Wednesday yet. Yes, I am still praying that God restores my relationship with my mother. Yes, I am still trying to get my medical portion completed for the Peace Corps so that I can leave in March ($$$), and Yes, I have conflicted feelings about a young man whom I greatly admire and hope that he will stick around for the 2 years and 3 months that I am to be gone. But life is here now, and I won't put adventure on hold for anyone but God.

I now see the point that Louisa May Alcott was trying to make with her character Josephine "Jo" March. I was so angry at her for not marrying Laurie, but I understand now. I have turned down a marriage proposal and I have not once regretted my decision to wait on the 2nd most important decision I will ever make. I still hope to, one day, desire to Change the World for someone special, but until that time I am so content to live my life and let God's will be done. (deep breath) With all of this said, good luck to all on your journeys, Stop trying to walk down someone elses path and blaze your own instead. I encourage you to do like Robert Frost and go for The Road Not Taken.


Paz,
Sarah

solitude

...And I wonder, will it ever end?