December 28, 2008...I write this heavy hearted. Close to tears....nope, teary eyed. For anyone that has ever gone through conflicts with a parent, I encourage you. Through my frustration and sadness, I encourage you. A little background: I am in my mid-twenties, I moved back home after college. I pay rent, utilities, and then some. If I had known a year ago what I know now (those infamous words) I would most certainly have left long ago.
I know that there are many people connected to me that believe that I am still at home because I am co-dependent on my mother, and to some extent that may be so, but I truly felt (and still feel) that I would be wrong to leave my "parental unit" when she has no job and no way to afford her rent and other bills w/o my assistance. However, this is exactly what I am doing at this moment, well, not exactly this moment, I'm actually taking a break from packing; Nonetheless, I am moving, and growing up.
I write this for all of those 20 and 30 somethings that feel as if they can't break free. When they first met me, so many years ago, all of my friends thought that the issues I was having with my parent were my fault. I had people tell me to "try harder," "do more," and to "humble" myself. Well, after they met her and/or were cursed out or told off by her (usually b/c she felt that they were "taking me away" from her, another ) the tune they had so piously sung was changed.
Long story short, only you know your family. Only you know the pain you feel when you are berated or told you will fail w/o them. Only you know how bad it can get and how bad it has gotten (whether verbal, mental, emotional, or physical abuse). Most of all, only you know, even if its deep down inside, exactly what you need to do (please, don't get physical). My only advice, listen to Holy Spirit and use wisdom. Trust that God has your best interest at heart. It will be okay...(to myself) It WILL be okay.....
So, for all of those who thought that I was the one holding on and not letting go, yeah, not so much. I will continue to pray for my mother. I will always love my mother. Most of all, I still ache for my mother; because now almost 60, she has nothing to show for her life, except maybe me. And even though she has hurt me, I still love her and I pray that she will one day be able to receive that love w/o all of the anger and bitterness she has stored up over the past 20+ years.
I hope I don't follow in her footsteps, I don't believe I will bc I have learned to let go and truly let God; and I know that this too shall pass....

To Serve is divine...and expensive.

As all of my friends, and most of my Sorors, know I am preparing to leave for the Peace Corps soon. Service has played a huge role in my life, heck, its practically been my life.
When I was growing up, my mother was involved in the NAACP and her sorority, the most Honorable Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc, which I, too am a member of. We volunteered with churches, ministries of help, and even various marches and walks to raise money for great causes. When I went to college I couldn't seem to stop, not that I would want to, and now I am preparing to make the amazing leap into PC service.

Needless to say, I am so excited to be leaving. I can only imagine the impact this will have on the lives of those I get to help, but man! I can just see the impact it will have on my life. I feel like dancing just thinking about it! The only thing concerning me now is getting my medical appointments completed (*cough cough* money *cough cough*) and my dental work done (**COUGH** even more *cough* money!) For anyone planning to ever go to the Peace Corps, or live for that matter, please have health insurance that actually covers the costs.
I have had to put off my service time for the last two years because, as a working student, I was too poor to afford any health or dental care, and boy am I suffering for it now. My friend has even advised me to find a "Sugar Daddy"......yeah....I've considered it (I bet my mother would appreciate that! LOL!)

If you are interested here are some words of wisdom:
1. Save as much money as you can so that you will be able to afford trips home or abroad.
2. Save money so that when you return you won't just be relying on the $6,000 or so they give you to help you adjust.
3. Start collecting needful things for your trip (books, sheets...popcorn (you never know))
4. Start working on your dental and medical stuff before you are ever off of your parents or the state's insurance plan, because once you are off, you're on your own. And
5. Just Save Money. Find out about Money Market Accounts and COD's and get crackin'.

If you are priveleged to receive a stipend, allowance, or have wealthy parents, still save. Its your future you're preparing for, not theirs, when it comes down to it.

I pray you much ease in your future plans. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Paz,

PurexZample

Bugles

Ok. So i'm sitting in my office eating a small bag of Bugles at my desk....actually, now I'm done with my bugles, but nonetheless, i am sitting here pondering when to do with my future. Yes, I said when. I have already prayed about God's calling for my life and I know without a doubt that, 1) Yes, I am leaving for Peace Corps. 2) Yes, I will become a Licensed MH Therapist. and 3) Yes, I will get married...one day, not rushing. Now I'm just wondering the when's.
I am ready to leave for PC as soon as I finish my dental stuff, wish I had my MA now, and not trying to get married anytime soon. Sometimes I think that I am so in a rush to accomplish all of the great things that I know life can bring that I am willing to miss out on the little journeys I have to take to get to the big journeys that will further lead to my destinations. I hope that I don't become so engrossed in my life, and myself for that matter, that I miss out on all of the wonderful people and places around me.
So many places and people and so little time.

I leave you with a newly favorite poem:


The house by the side of the road
by Samuel Walter Foss (1858-1911)

There are hermit souls that live withdrawn
In the place of their self-content;
There are souls, like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze their paths
Where highways never ran;
-But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Let me live in a house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by-
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner's seat,
Or hurl the cynic's ban;
-Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I see from my house by the side of the road,
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife.
But I turn not away from their smiles nor their tears
-Both parts of an infinite plan;
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I know there are brook-gladdened meadows ahead
And mountains of wearisome height;
That the road passes on through the long afternoon
And stretches away to the night.
But still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice,
And weep with the strangers that moan,
Nor live in my house by the side of the road
Like a man who dwells alone.

Let me live in my house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by
-They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish- so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat
Or hurl the cynic's ban?
-Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.