How I Feel About Certain People In My Life *deep disappointed breath*

wow

so much bad stuff has been happening back to back lately. I've been trying not to focus on that, though. But today i received a call from my doctor's office with not so good news...and, the Christian me is trying so hard to trust God and his word...the woman me is trying to trust the Christian me who is trying to trust God....lol.
I know that God loves me....I'm just tired of crying and working hard for seemingly nothing. And even as I write these words scriptures constantly pop back into my head...be strong and of good courage, do not fear or be dismayed...; those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength...; be not weary in well doing........
*sigh* the Bible sure was right about one thing if nothing else...Raise a child up in the way she should go and when she is old she will not depart from it; bc no matter how hard i've tried (which hasn't been very hard, to be honest) I am unable to stray very far from my relationship with my father (God). I'm thankful for this. I just really need him to be evident in my life right now more than ever...really really evident.

Sitting up in my room....

I sit here, alone in my room, contemplating my life and accomplishments....and really, they don't add up to as much as I would like for them to. I'm sad today. I'm sad and very frustrated. I keep thinking to myself that perhaps I will still make it to PC...even though yet another year has passed...that makes four in total. I am hoping to make changes in my life that will propel me towards my future, instead of the usual inching along.

The quote on my mind right now goes:
"There Are 3 Types of People In This World: Those who MAKE things happen. Those who WATCH things happen. And those who WONDER what happened."
I am striving not to be the latter, and yet I sometimes feel as though I am ALL talk and no action. The Bible says that "Faith without works is dead..." (James 2:26).
I pray that God helps me to stop being so anxious about success. He's already given me the strength AND the faith that I need to do what I want and need to do. I know this....
Alot has happened in the last 3 months. I have done things I did not think that I would, or could, possibly do. Good as well as bad. The latter for which I pray that my heavenly father has forgiven me.
And although I am sad, maybe hurt, right now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will come to a place where this too, has passed.....

I just wish that it didn't hurt so much to get there.


I leave you with the lyrics of a song I love, sung by Tamyra Gray:

When Seasons Change lyrics

In my time I've seen somethings
People come and people go.
I've seen the colors autumn brings,
And how winter rain turns into snow.
And this I know for sure
Though seasons change I must endure.
For you promised you'll be there when seasons change.

The fire of my soul
Though with time this house grows old
Will remain as long as I can feel you abiding in me
For you promised you'll be there.
It's good to know that you still care
For you promised you'll be there when seasons change

Oh, the fire of my soul
Though with time this house grows old
Will remain as long as I can feel you abiding in me
For you promised you'll be there
It's good to know that you still care
For you promised you'd be there when seasons change
For you promised you'd be there when seasons change
For you promised you'll be there when seasons change


God...you promised that you would never leave me nor forsake me, but you'd be with me even to the ends of the world.....

The Test

There are no notes for her to study
but there's a test that she must take
she must pass each level well
or the next she must forsake

she hopes, beyond all doubt
that from other's mistakes she's somehow learned
and although her wounds are still hurting
from all the times that she's been burned

she takes her place and waits in line
hoping that she won't fail
intuitively she knows that life
should not be this kind of hell

she's not a fake or a phony
like so many she has met
she thinking maybe she can cheat
but there's no such thing to pass this test

she sits down to undertake
the hardest exam she's ever had
she grabs her pen and then replaces
it with a pencil, #2 lead.

she thinks often of the past
and beats herself for past mistakes
wishing she could take this pencil
and go back and just erase

But instead, she takes a breath
and then exhales while reading "question 1"
"who have you hurt?" is the first
suddenly, she simply wants to run

how can she pass a test unfair
untrue to anyone who tries
the grades given, not A's or B's
truth never uncovered, only lies

See, no matter how she answers
her reports are tainted by her view
because this test of life she's taking
has 3 sides, hers, theirs, and the truth.

S. Green

Gayness and the sort...

Man! I love Ted Dekker, and all of his writings, of course. But the man himself increasingly fascinates me. Controversial in many ways, he never fails to broach a subject, take it there, and then raise it one. Plus, he blogs how he speaks, so...I love it. For instance, take the post below. I'll post my comment afterward:

January 08, 2009
The Challenge of being Gay
The Challenge of being Gay

So here I sit, facing down another monster. You’d think that after all this time nestled down in my hole on this spinning globe, I’d be able to look challenges in the face and think of them as something less threatening than a monster. But then again, life is all about monsters.

The loss of a job. Graduation. A parent who’s scrambling to make ends meet. A breakup. A particularly large zit that has insisted on perching itself on the end of your nose just when you’d cleared up. In their own ways, every new challenge is a kind of monster, waiting to be conquered or courted, depending on the circumstances.

I face several such challenges at this point in my life.

First, there’s the website redesign which, after being nearly completed by one party in November was entirely scrapped because it just wasn’t doing the trick, know what I mean? Ouch. But we look to have take-two up mid to late March and we’re looking forward to courting this monster and winning him as a friend.

Second, there’s my first co-authored novel with a woman with the current release of KISS. It’s a twisting story that harkens back to the “old Ted” only this time with Erin Healy. Jennifer Deshler, the marketing guru at the publisher came up with the marketing tag “Heart Pounding meets Heart Warming” and I think that about sums it up. Typically I write my stories with my alter-ego sitting on my shoulder. Samantha, perhaps you know her. Perhaps that’s why working with Erin who also is a woman came so naturally to me. Early reviews are very strong.

Still, what will all the peeps say?

Thirdly, there’s the release of my first truly "mainstream" novel, BONEMAN’S DAUGHTER. Yes, the novel plumbs spiritual themes about God’s intense love in contrast to the love offered by a very, very wicked killer called BONEMAN, but it’s not specifically labeled as being a story solely for Christians any more than Jesus’ parables were labeled as such.

Says James Rollins, New York Times bestselling author of The Last Oracle: "Ted Dekker's latest thriller BONEMAN'S DAUGHTERS is a tour-de-force of suspense that demands to be read in one sitting. A twisting story… made all the more visceral for its taut telling and conflicted characters. "

Says Brad Meltzer, New York Times bestselling author of The Book of Lies: “BONEMAN’S DAUGHTERS doesn't just get under your skin. It crawls there, and nests, and raises its head with a bitter tug, like it's living within you."

This novel seems to have struck a unique chord that I’ve sought to strike for years. And where’s the monster in this you ask? Yes, well this brings me to my whole point about being gay. And being Christian. Now please, hang with me here. My reasoning may stretch you, but you wouldn’t be reading anything written by me if you didn’t like to be stretched now and then.

You see, I used to be “gay.” In fact, if I had been published twenty years ago at the height of my gayness, I might have been branded “The Gay Author.”

Then things changed. I didn’t change, my happy self remained constant, as did all of what made me merry and carefree and thus I remained quite… well, gay. But the word “gay” itself began to change until one day it no longer meant happy, but rather “homosexual.” And once being gay, which only meant “happy,” I was no longer gay because I am now and always have been happily heterosexual.

No matter how much anyone might want the term gay to mean what it once did, it’s the hearer of a word, as much as the speaker, who determines any terms real meaning. That’s how words and communication works.

So the real challenge of being gay today is that I’m not. Although I was at one time and still am quite happy and carefree.

Now, back to BoneMan’s Daughter and, more specifically, whether BoneMan’s Daughters is a piece of Evangelical Christian Fiction. Like the word gay, the term “Evangelical Christian Fiction” has changed over the last twenty years. For starters the term “Evangelical” is fast becoming a measure of ones fanaticism and dedication to particular political and social agendas rather than a term that denotes doctrinal convictions or affiliations. The term “Christian” is close on its heels. Put together the meaning of phrase “Evangelical Christian” means one thing in Atlanta, and another thing entirely in New York or Boston. In one city it means protestant, in another it means bigoted, politically motivated, fundamentalist who hates liberals and is willing to take up arms to prove it. Or something like that.

If that is what is understood by “Evangelical Christian” than I have never written “Evangelical Christian” novels, and I should certainly never be counted as a bigoted, politically motivated, fundamentalist who hates liberals, particularly if I have any intention of following the teachings of Jesus. In fact, an argument could me made that in many places “Evangelical Christian” is decidedly un-Christian. Please take no offense, both are just words that became associated with Christ long after his time on earth.

I myself am a believer, unshaken in my convictions, and every novel I write grapples with those very same convictions. Still, BoneMan’s Daughters is my first which sheds the label “Evangelical Christian Fiction” in part because the term is radically misunderstood by half the country. Will Christian bookstores like Family, LifeWay and Parable still promote a book of mine like BoneMan’s Daughters which contains no offensive language or sex and explores God’s sacrificial love? Of course. It’s hardly different than Thr3e (which CBA stores voted fiction title of the year in 2003) or a number of other novels I’ve written in this respect. CBA stores carry many products and books not specifically labeled as “Evangelical,” beginning with the Bible itself.

Will my current readers buy BoneMan’s Daughter? If they like my thrillers, yes, it’s a humdinger and will challenge any reader’s understanding of God’s love.

But the issue of labeling a book surfaces a deeper one facing our culture today. Are our books decidedly Evangelical Christian? For that matter, are we? Are you? Or has the term's meaning changed over time, like the word Gay?

If the term "Evangelical Christian" no longer properly describes a follower of Jesus to a growing segment of our society, should you, knowing this, use it?

Or, should you use the term only among those who understand what you mean by it, and use a different term among those who don’t know what you mean? I know it sounds like I’m begging the question, but I really do want you to help me form an opinion. This is an issue that is facing us all, including our good friends in CBA bookstores.

Tell me what you think by clicking on comments below, then go to the home page of Teddekker.com and vote on the poll. And thank you for carefully considering a difficult question.

Posted at 07:12 PM Permalink Comments (162) TrackBack (0)


ME:

I absolutely love this post, just as I am fascinated by much of your work; and while I do understand what you are saying here, I could give less than a care about your sexual orientation (is that wrong of me to say? ah, who cares)simply because I love your work and what it has done for me. But don't get me wrong, I am quite pleased that you are now and have always been, happily heterosexual.
Soooo...In lieu of some of the not so positive comments, Mr. Dekker is not "gay," in the sense of being homosexual, if I am understanding correctly, but instead, quite happy, his writing style has changed, and is a bit more...macabre?...serious?...direct? if you will.
Anywho, I am extremely excited about "Kiss", and while I have yet to read "The Boneman's Daughter," I am quite thrilled about it as well and can't wait for it to crawl under my skin and nest there. As a matter of fact, I'm trying not to go into debt (or blind, for that matter) trying to get my hands on everything you have written. By The Way, Thank you for helping to change my heart about the nature of romance and God's love for us with the "Circle Trilogy"....yeah. :-)

If you're into novels that will make you think, capture your attention AND your imagination, and just giggle in delight like a little kid being tickled, then you can read more of his posts and learn more about his books at: http://www.teddekker.typepad.com/

WARNING: THIS IS NOT SOME MAMSY PAMSY CHRISTIAN WRITING JUST TO SATISFY A READING REQUIREMENT! HIS BOOKS REALLY TAKE IT THERE AND RAISE THE BAR.

Gotta Love It!

Rock On,

Purexample

The big "V" word....

Big Fat SIGH! The following article was on MSNBC today. Read up, I'll post my response at the end. (the link is: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/28777666/ )

25-year-old virgin: Not meant for love?
Dr. Gail Saltz advises a woman who is self-conscious about her single status


By Dr. Gail Saltz
TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 4:57 p.m. ET, Wed., Jan. 21, 2009


Q. Are some people just not meant to be in relationships? At 25, I am still a virgin, with little experience dating men. It has gotten to the point where I’m self-conscious about my status. Sometimes I worry that men won’t want to date me because I don’t have a lengthy history.
I had one relationship that lasted about three months, and have been on several first dates. In college I joined a dating Web site out of desperation. It has provided me with the opportunity to talk to different guys, but it hasn’t led anywhere. At times I feel there must be something wrong with me and that I’m incapable of carrying on a relationship. I do have a good group of friends. I’m a little shy and reserved at first, but I then open up to people, and am basically confused as to why I haven’t had the opportunities most have already had at this point in their lives.

A. Nobody is “not” meant to be in relationships, but there are people who have extreme difficulty having relationships. These people usually have a developmental disorder like autism or Asperger's, or even a psychiatric issue related to ability to relate to others, like schizoid personality disorder. There is an organic reason they have trouble relating to others.
You don’t sound like that, because you have a good group of friends, so you are obviously capable of relating to others. The issue probably has something to do with anxiety or inhibition around men.
You mention you are shy. Some people with social phobia become extra-shy around members of the opposite sex. In addition, when you are shy and reserved, you often come off as cold and standoffish, sending the message that you are not interested. Some people have especially negative or difficult personalities that drive others away.
Put this all together and the result is that you behave in certain ways that make it unlikely you will reach out to people or that you will feel comfortable enough to converse and engage with those you do meet.
You make a point of saying you are a virgin, so there might be some anxiety around that. Or perhaps you had a negative childhood experience with some kind of sexual trauma, so you are inadvertently pushing men away in order not to get sexually involved.
Your turn!
Is there still a stigma attached to virginity?
It is not terrible to be a virgin at 25, but if you want to be in a relationship and are having trouble finding one, you should work on this now, and not wait years, when certain life options and opportunities will have passed.
If shyness is the issue, it can be very helpful to practice a script of talking to men. Come up with several topics you feel well versed in and a couple of lines you would like to share to keep a conversation going. Make an effort to meet men in scenarios where you are likely to have something in common like a class, an exhibit of interest, a religion-based gathering or a community service activity. Spend some time in front of a mirror looking at facial expressions that appear warm and inviting versus cool and reserved.
If you still find yourself struggling, it’s a good idea to see a therapist and determine whether you have a problem with social anxiety or anxiety about intimacy. Both respond to therapy alone or therapy plus medication, which can make a huge difference.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: People who have few relationships might be acting in ways that drive people away, but this behavior can be changed

My Response:

I relate to this writer. I am 25 and still a virgin, but by choice. I am involved in a relationship with a man I respect and really like. He is not a virgin, however he's been celibate for over 2 years and his respect for me is what makes me like him even more because I feel that he's not into me just for sex (although I know that he thinks about it...often). We have also been friends for over two years and even though he knows my decision, he still pursued a relationship with me, and I love that.
I also love that I have NEVER worried about STD's or if my bf compares to the last guy(s) I was with, thats a really messed up way to live. I really hate that we put such a focus on sex in the relationship and not more on the relationship itself. We feel like because everyone else SEEMS to be having such a great time having sex and not waiting for more that you, or others like us, feel like there is something wrong. There's not, really, there's not. I am currently in the Psychology field and I can't tell you how many clients I have each month who wish that they had at least waited for someone special, if not for marriage itself. If I were you I would change my surroundings and who/what I'm listening to or watching. Please, don't let anyone, including yourself, make you feel like you have a problem or are some oddity. You're not, luv. Promise.

This Just Seems Appropriate Somehow

The Negro National Anthem

"Lift Every Voice and Sing"
by James Weldon Johnson

Originally written by Johnson for a presentation in celebration of the birthday of Abraham Lincoln. This was originally performed in Jacksonville, Florida, by children. The popular title for this work is:


'THE NEGRO NATIONAL ANTHEM'

Lift every voice and sing
Till earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us,
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us,
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun
Let us march on till victory is won.

Stony the road we trod,
Bitter the chastening rod,
Felt in the days when hope unborn had died;

Yet with a steady beat,
Have not our weary feet
Come to the place for which our fathers sighed?
We have come over a way that with tears have been watered,
We have come, treading our path through the blood of the slaughtered,
Out from the gloomy past,
Till now we stand at last
Where the white gleam of our bright star is cast.

God of our weary years,
God of our silent tears,
Thou who has brought us thus far on the way;
Thou who has by Thy might
Led us into the light,
Keep us forever in the path, we pray.
Lest our feet stray from the places, Our God, where we met Thee;
Lest, our hearts drunk with the wine of the world, we forget Thee;
Shadowed beneath Thy hand,
May we forever stand.
True to our GOD,
True to our native land James Weldon Johnson June 17, 1871 - June 26, 1938



May God bless you and your family, President Obama (man that makes me feel great). I pray strength and favor over you and yours. That you may do what is right, at all times, and act in integrity. I pray that the words of your mouth and the meditations of your heart are found pleasing in God's sight and that God place a hedge of protection around you and your family at all times. Grace and Mercy to you. Do well. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.